Being a pretentious git is not the key to good coffee..?

I recently had the chance to do something I never thought I’d get around to learning. Whilst away on holiday with the family, we ended up staying in the house of some rather wealthy people (“oh, this house is a downgrade from the last one we had!”) who we have never met while they were away on some kind of family business of their own. They had clearly made a big effort to pack away the vast majority of things in the house including the staple symbol of wealth, the ride-on mower, into a locked room. Two rather interesting objects had been left out for us to play with, however. These were a Sony Bravia television (which they appeared to have been using to watch SD digital TV by tuning it into a channel on the aerial port) and a (fairly standard) home espresso machine. Considering that watching television is something that most people are pretty fantastic at these days and the fact that my battle with the DVD player is not so interesting, I’m going to be focusing on my exploration of the espresso machine.

I had the convenience of having a machine already there for my use. Clearly, if you don’t then you will have to go out and purchase one or use one belonging to a friend or colleague. I am sure that the uninspired masses have plenty of unused espresso machines sitting around if you’re willing to give them a prod to sent one your way. I can’t really give advice on the purchase of machines as I obviously haven’t had to pick one up yet.

It’s always been a bit of a fantasy of mine to be able to make proper coffee with one of these devices. It’s all very mystified and a certain amount of respect is handed out to those who can make a cup of coffee that can’t be compared to dirt with caffeine mixed in. I’m not sure if I achieved this rank whilst messing around with the machine, but I certainly tried. I didn’t dare touch the mysterious machine without doing some research first. I was lucky that we had reserve holiday mobile internet to find useful information, even if the reception did blink on and off like a lightbulb.

So, first port of call in learning how to operate a coffee machine is getting the basics down and becoming familiar with the device you’re using. I didn’t have the luxury of an operations manual, so I mostly learned the specifics of the machine I was using by messing around with it after a bit of reading. This guide is not useful at all as it doesn’t explain terminology and actually missed a few important points. It’s also a tad disturbing, am I crazy for thinking that the water looks yellow? Howstuffworks , on the other hand, actually explain the various parts of the coffee machine before launching into making a shot etc. It’s probably worth reading this if, like me, you like to understand how things work before you use them. Once familiar with the basics of pouring a shot of coffee, you may want to just go ahead and make one to calm your nerves and gain the satisfaction of having made something, even if it is the worst coffee you’ve ever had the displeasure of sticking in your mouth.

Your next step is to do a bit of research into how to identify decent coffee, and this is where possibly the best resource I have come across so far comes in – The Espresso Pages. Within this rather interesting resource, a barrista named ‘Tom’ covers the ins and outs of pouring a good shot in specifics to crema levels, tamping, etc. It also has a fairly nice section on making frothed/steamed milk which is one of my favourite parts of the way coffee tastes.

Once you’ve followed through and done the required reading and familiarisation, espresso coffee should theoretically become a matter of practise and honing your ability to make coffee that you and others enjoy based on accurate feedback. Shockingly, nothing that I discovered about making coffee had to do with good fashion sense, having a metro-beard or making fancy designs in latte. Best luck in becoming able to make coffee better than the lukewarm dirt available at service stations and sub-par cafes everywhere.